Lollipops and Candy Rocks

When I grow up, I want to be nothing at all.

2008-02-26T09:53:00.002+02:00

Ahaaa! Here I am again! Unemployed, uninteresting and worst of all, unimaginative!
I had a job waiting when I left my last job, but there was a misunderstanding between the agency, myself and the salary offered. To some extent, if I knew what a bastard going to all these interviews was going to be, I would've accepted the meagre remuneration and moonlighted as a stripper!

I have driven to the other side of Alberton to a town next to the imfamous dorpie of 'Liefde-en-Vrede' for an interview with an agency. Just an agency. I've been positive about the whole thing this entire time. Think good thoughts, think happy thoughts, don't think that this is all a big waste of time and it would be easier to finish off the day with a good bottle of Baronne and a handful of Stopayne.

But...I'm out of Stopayne...and Baronne, but I think there's a nice sav blanc in the cupboard...may keep that for the weekend.

Sorry, my brain has switched to permanent 'siesta' mode due to all the late mornings and lazing about switching between Animal Planet and the Series channel.

The reason for not blogging in a while is simple: I was banned from the internet and I had no time running a business for someone without the profit. Not even the least but of appreciation or support.

I probably sound bitter and depressed, but I really am not. I'm pms-ing.

How to deal

2007-11-28T03:06:00.000+02:00

If there was ever a time when I questioned my abilities, that time would be now. I am struggling with my work, my relationship and on top of it all, my weight. I think my new top score on spider solitaire might have had something to do with it, but not entirely. The fact that I had to help out an incompetent PA and production manager who constantly went AWOL is the main reason.

I'm not that bad a sucker for punishment. I don't take the entire world on my shoulders cause I feel I have to. Things just had to get done, and they got done, at the expense of my sanity and my diet. I openly admit my tendency to munch when I get stressed. One of the girls had a tendency to crave McDonalds, a lot. So now the PA has been 'dismissed', the production manager never came back and has been replaced with my boyfriend's brother.

So things are looking up a little...

Paths

2007-11-17T07:10:00.000+02:00

You don't love me enough to have faith in me
I don't love you enough to stay
Our paths are taking drastic turns
but I see yours is turning away
and I'm sorry that I cannot follow your way
and I'm sorry things turned out this way

If I could I'd be the person
you always wanted me to be
but how could you love someone
who doesnt stick with what she believes?
And I'm sorry, I'm confused and rarely get things right
and I'm sorry, I'll understand if you're not around tonight

The paths we chose were always there
and I'll never keep you from yours.
Mine is winding in the shadows, it seems barely there.
So you expect me to just made up my mind
like the future is a straight line you can see up ahead

I never wanted this, I'm torn apart inside
I'm losing sleep and my hopes and my dreams
I'm losing my mind

but I know that it's time
I know that it's mine
I know I've made a choice
step forward
don't look behind...

Enlightened? Not quite

2007-08-29T05:00:00.000+02:00

That saying that 'you are never too old to learn' has some truth to it, but I think we don't realize that the rest of the saying is ...'something new about yourself'.

I have discovered anime...more specifically, I have discovered Naruto. Since before Pokemon or Yu-Gi-OhMFG! there was the Sci-fi channel and late night cartoons, something which confused my very naive brain. They were playing cartoons essentially, which may have been a tad bloody, but still mild if you compare it to the subliminal violence in DBZ. I don't think it's unusual for me to be liking anime, it's just sucky that I couldn't get it earlier in life.

It's like arriving half-way through an in-depth conversation about that new movie when all you've seen is the trailer. Which is happening with the new Harry Potter book, and I haven't read the Half-blood Prince yet either! Don't look at me like that! I know Prof. Dumbledore dies and it's all about how they're trying to defeat no-nose Voldemort... forgive me if I don't hold my breath. I'll read it when I can steal a copy from an unsuspecting fan.

I have also discovered "Change (in the house of flies)" is not the only awesome song from the Deftones. Their music is growing on me quickly...

Paradise

2007-07-25T10:45:00.000+02:00

I'm in Mauritius! (Hooray!)

It's raining. (aaaw....)

But I've got a kickass tan! (Hooray!)

which will probably turn to skin cancer by the time I'm 25 (aaaw...)

But I'm still on a tropical island staying at a luxury resort with people waiting on me hand and foot and later I'm going to explore the waterfront and spend a ridiculous amount of money on gifts for everyone at home! (Hooray!)

Even though I'm stuck in an office behind a laptop while the temperature drops and the rain drizzles over everything...

It was all kept a secret from me. We tried so hard in the beginning to get a package I could afford but in the end, there was too little time and too little money. Come the morning when I say goodbye to the bf, my mom appears at the airport out of nowhere with two suitcases and a camera aimed at my blank expression. I was totally suprised. The bf and his co-conspirators (my parents, his parents, my cat and boss) managed to keep me in the dark for over 3 weeks. Or maybe they didn't need to because I had resigned to the fact that I wasn't going.

I think it made the experience all the more enjoyable. Here I was being swept of my feet to an exotic island. All my bags packed for me, more than enough spending money for one person, a room with a balcony and a view!

It's still raining though.

Terminally depressed

2007-07-05T04:50:00.000+02:00

Not me. I get too easily excited by the most random things to be an emo/goth/tortured soul...I thought I was once, but I have friends who don't condone that sort of behaviour. They live for making each other laugh, whether they're laughing at you or with you, there is no room for depressing-thoughts-of-suicide. I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine either. I think I enjoy laughing at the sick sad world like my sadistic old self.

I have met someone recently, however, who is just too emotional for his own good. He struggles with inner demons that torment his conscience day and night. Too strong to give in and too confused to win, he wallows in despair, watching the world through weary eyes. Tired of the futility of life, the monotony, the strife. He finds the human race a greedy, mindless pathetic breed, trying his damndest to separate himself from his role in society. He is trapped. Alone. Misunderstood.

He's just too damn clever for his own good. That's the biggest problem. Not many in his age group can keep up in conversations so he can't express himself the way he wants to. He wants to be unique, he wants so badly to stand out but knows there is no point. Not in this life anyway, not in this world.

I don't want to preach to him, he has a family for that. I don't want to be a mentor or to pull him out of his misery because it's impossible unless he wants someone to help him, which he doesn't. All I have been able to do was be a friend, have a few good laughs, show him a few moments worth living for. I don't know what else to do but I feel I must try to keep him alive apart from feeding him anti-depressants. He needs an outlet, he needs a worthwhile distraction.

Until I am struck with inspiration and come up with a life-altering plan, I had better hide all the razors...

Nothing much has changed

2007-06-25T09:56:00.000+02:00

After months and months of staying in on the weekends, watching a movie or visiting at friends houses, we decided it was time to revisit Zeppelins in Pretoria. Now, the last time we were there, it was the "last party" before revamping began, they only had one floor open, drinks were pretty cheap so that was fun, but rumor was that there would be a new floor opened and better bathroom facilities. Lo and behold, we arrive and the place is exactly the same as the last time we were there. Ok maybe not exactly. They added a plasma screen to the entrance, removed the foozball table, moved the soundbox off the dancefloor and upstairs. Now there is space for *counts fingers* four more people on the dancefloor. Oh and there's more barbed wire.

I am not complaining! I am very much relieved that they kept the place pretty much the same...especially the artwork on the walls. Those are irreplaceable. It looked more like they stopped the place from falling apart and brought it just above the "unstable old building" standard. It really adds to the charm and appeal of the place. I also assume the funds were limited to essential renovations too. We can only be thankful they didn't try and revamp it to look more like 'most other' clubs!

All in all, it was a great evening, the usual weirdos creeping along the bar, the few excellent songs inbetween the not-so-good ones, losing the bf, finding the bf, fighting with the bf, harrassing the DJ... and stopping for food on the way home. 2am is a good time for breakfast. It wasn't the smartest thing to do but that one act brought back so many awesome memories of driving back from Newtown at 3:30 and feasting on fresh chips from Bimbos. It never tastes quite as good on a normal afternoon. Granted, we stopped at Woolies food, (we are an evolving species afterall) but that didn't take away from a great feeling revisited for a moment.

The evil within

2007-06-18T03:30:00.000+02:00

I may have become the kind of person I have always detested. I may be leading on a male friend, even though he's perfectly aware I'm in a stable relationship. Unintentionally of course!

At least I thought so at first. Now I look forward to chatting with him other than that he's my friend. Although I'm beginning to see why men and women do it...toy with others emotions...because it is so damn easy! My sympathy, for those guys who would sell their mothers for women who have no intention giving them the time of day, has diminished somewhat. They know what they're getting themselves into and yet they willingly place their innocent little heads on the axe-man's block. And in a weird twist of fate, I am holding the axe (and the leather outfit) and feeling all the power and dominance that goes with it. (You'd swear I was a dominatrix in a previous life)

It's been fun and interesting but now it feels wrong. I'm beginning to flirt back, turning on all the charm (the tiny drop that does exist when I'm not drunk) dropping hints, acting as if I'm single but forever mentioning my current squeeze. It's downright evil and something I swore I would never do. It was either: be upfront with that person or avoid them until they go away. I think the fact that I didn't start this intricate tango of innuendos and promises to "hang out" has let it come this far. In my, somewhat naive, mind it was a friendly conversation between 'friends' to catch up and I would take his compliments as the male equivalent to "I miss your company as a friend". I guess I underestimated the male's ability to hide emotions to the point of seeming to have no alterier motives.

Maybe I am reading too much into this. Maybe he's trying to be a good friend to an intelligent female friend the only way he knows how. Maybe his constant questioning about my happiness in my relationship are purely conversational. Maybe his comments about "endless possibilities" on a night we get together for a jol could be interpretated as non-sexual and he would never take advantage if I were to "have one too many". Yeah, and maybe these strikes will be resolved if we asked the workers nicely to get back to work...

How to Deal

2007-06-12T09:02:00.000+02:00

How do I get myself into these situations? I guess being present and opening my mouth played a big part, but that's besides the point. It's the type of situations I get into that have me sitting around (behind my desk pretending to do an honest day's work) and deliberating the choices I have made in my life so far - joining an amatuer theatre group, agreeing to move out, putting my future plans on hold for a little while.

Where have they gotten me? No place I want to be! I know it's time to take that decisive step to moulding my future but I don't see any solid surface on which to plant my feet.

My better half is being sent to Nigeria on Friday to shut down a centre (I suspect his co-workers want him dead), and then they are then sending him to Maurituis. *Whine*

It's strange that I never thought of going there before, to me that holiday destination was overpriced, overpopulated by tourists and "so last season"! Now I'd sell my soul (if I hadn't already) to go with him. Just daydreaming about the white sandy beaches, tropical heat and cocktails at sunset, walking hand in hand (romantic music in the background), conjure up feelings of delightful fancy! Hmmm...but there is small possibility that I could go with, a small one but it's there.

Golden - Fall Out Boy

2007-05-30T05:29:00.000+02:00

How cruel is the golden rule
when the lives we lived are only golden plated
and I knew that the lights of the city
were too heavy for me
And though I carry carats
for everyone to see

And I saw God cry in
the reflection of my enemies
and all the lover's with no time for me
And all of the mothers raised their babies
to stay away from me

Tongues on the sockets
of electric dreams
where the sewage of youth
drown the spark of my tunes
and I knew that the lights of the city
were too heavy for me
And though I carry carats
for everyone to see

And I saw God cry in
the reflection of my enemies
and all the lover's with no time for me
And all of the mothers raised their babies
to stay away from me
And pray they don't grow up to be

*I searched for the lyrics but all came out with some differences*
This is what I heard and it makes some sense to me...

Wake Up!

2007-05-25T02:42:00.000+02:00

I used to be a really complicated child. I was introverted, angry and rebelled against what society deemed as "cool". I was a model student, I had three very close friends, but primary school was a difficult time for me socially. I was teased a lot, not only for being an A student, but the fact that I liked bands like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Foo Fighters and owned one pair of board shorts. Mind you, I wasn't the easiest person to strike up a conversation with but once people got to know me, I made a good impression.

The main reason I think I had such a hard time in these years was because I wasn't really there all the time. I lived in a dream-like state, imagining I was someone else getting ready for a different life, at school dreaming in class, dreaming up adventures with my friends, dreaming of other ways I could have acted while cycling home. It did wonders for my writing assignments but it's not quite living your life is it? Luckily that came down to a normal level when I started high school but I soon slipped into my living dream and by Gr 11, I was living in another world altogether. It was only in Matric that I woke up with a start and got involved in my life with the little time I had left.

I can't help it, I like the worlds and situations my imagination cooks up. I get caught on one idea and mull it over and over in my head, figuring out every aspect until I lose the plot entirely. At least I have no delusions about 'my life', I know exactly who I am and what I am capable of, I dream about that a lot too.

I feel like a coward, who cannot handle a less than happy situation and hides in their own fantasies. I know I must live in the present, I must take situations into my own hands and make the changes or else I may miss out on what's happening in my life now. Before you know it, I'll wake up 9 years later, aged, alone, in a depressing job and full of regrets for just letting things happen and missing crucial opportunities.

Wake up! Dive fully into everyday, use all of your senses, live each moment purposefully, make those opportunities happen! And yet slowly I'm drifting off into another dream, to a faraway place, where I am strong, loved and mostly...somewhere I belong.

Take a bow

2007-05-17T07:54:00.000+02:00

"Attend the tale of Sweeny Todd..." da di da la la la la

Last night the Startime Players Amatuer Theatre performed at the Benoni Centenery evening. We were in a word, "not bad" (okay 2 words) but the audience was crap. They ate during the performance, they laughed at the wrong moments, and it wasn't even Shakepearean comedy...it was on the same level as the Marx brothers! At least they appluaded and we were commended for the songs. It is true, music is a Universal language.

Paul Rotheram, having hailed from 'Noni, was the MC for the evening. I missed the Rude Awakening this morning so I have no idea if he mentioned the evening, and if he did I would love to know what he said about it. Mainly because the people in charge didn't know their ass from their elbows and according to Paul (expressing his opinion to Viv whose helping in the production) it was a f*ck up of note! We didn't pay much attention, we just pitched up, performed and went drinking afterwards - to us that is a successful evening!

And I enjoyed it! I generally shy away from performing infront of strangers (voted the person least likely to become a porn star) but I embraced the butterflies and sang my little heart out. I am beginning to understand why people keep sacraficing their nights and free time in rehearsals. It's not for the applause (entirely) it's the satisfaction of performing fantastic songs together and making it work.

This feeling should fade by September when we have to perform the entire play 3 weekends in a row.

*Curtain close*

The Hills have Eyes

2007-05-04T01:08:00.000+02:00

It's Friday after a 3 day week and I still can't wait to leave work. I hope everyone had an enjoyable long weekend, even those who had to work on Monday (me NOT being one of those)!

I spent the long weekend hiking in Golden Gates. I must say, for someone who hasn't seen the inside of a gym in weeks I was doing exceptionally well on the inclines and rock climbing. Granted, it did feel like I had developed thigh muscles that would've put the men in "300" to shame, and on the way home my jeans sat no looser than when we arrived. Great, I burn 10% of my body fat over 28km of rough terrian and put it all back on over breakfast in Clarens. Still, I'm pretty proud of myself, I didn't get lost, fall on my arse/face or step on an endangered animal. Walked all the way to the Lesotho border, so close I could spit on it (pointless observation) and absorbed the most stunning panoramic view. Hoorah for nature girl!

I did, however, come back with a worse cough and no voice. I am not happy about this as I have a show to sing in on the 16th and I don't have money for any more medicine. I swear, the next time I fall seriously ill I shall either use some voodoo to heal or die. Either way is cheaper than maintaining a medical aid.

I am in two minds about the whole area around the Golden Gate area. There is a fck-load of development going on. And I don't mean hospitals, housing or parks. Mansions and freaking townhouse developments! WTF?! It's a fckin Nature Reserve. People go there to get away from civilisation but it looks like some arsehole got the idea of putting more houses in the middle of nowhere. Clarens survives on tourism, tourists come to see art galleries and coffee shops and museums, not stupid cluster developments! The rest of the populace earn a living through farming or are subsistance farmers. It's disturbing to see the amount of space they have taken to develope, it looks as if in 5 years the whole reserve is going to look like Rivonia - crowded, polluted and badly planned.

Besides, the summers are hot and dry, the winters are below freezing and windy. It's called "roughing it" for a reason you senseless, greedy, pathetic developing yuppie scum. DOOM ON YOU!

Lovingly yours
Nature girl

p.s. forgive the little rant

Living Dead Girl

2007-04-23T08:37:00.000+02:00

So so so soooo very tired! It all started with that drink...that fucking drink. I could kill for doing this to me, making me down that ridiculous concoction! I should be angry, I should be livid, blamimg them for the fact that I couldnt enjoy my 21st to the bitter end, that I had to leave the cleaning up to people who worked the hardest planning and setting up, that I had to be taken to hospital! I should be demanding compensation but what would be the point? My party happened, I enjoyed every moment, I have great memories and what's done is done. Makes for one hell of a story too. The truth be told, I still could've walked away, it's not like they forced the drink down my throat with a funnel.

I am really lucky I have a bf who took such good care of me. He was there, next to me, holding my hand the entire time. It was so sweet, like something out of a movie. I never understood what it felt like to be cared for like that by someone other than your family.

I am going to pass out by the end of the day, and still contend with two bitches breathing down my neck, a boss who expected me to sniff out what he wanted done yesterday his loud, obnoxious wife.

Please someone put me out of my misery...

Almost there

2007-04-20T01:15:00.000+02:00

My birthday in coming up soon. My party is tomorrow. I tried dying my hair blue-black, and it's come out with streaks. I have never run out of hair dye, my hair must be longer than it's been in a loonng while!

What is it about this party that has me so nervous? Why am I stressing if my outfit comes out perfect or not? When did I start caring what I looked like? This is getting weird, maybe I am doing that whole 'growing up' thing since the time is so close. Ah well, life goes on as life should.

I know that it will be a success because I have a solid support system consisting mainly of Ouma, Mom and Cherene. Dad will be there to point out what I forgot and rub in how bad I am at organising stuff. He'll be there too. Whatever could possibly go wrong, will be fixed, because I have my family, and my friends wouldn't care, as long as we're having a good time.

I think I'm gonna lose my mind

2007-04-19T07:43:00.000+02:00

Ah! Freaking wireless networks are going to send me in a downward spiral of madness! If the server is not completely off the entire day, it's constantly switching on and off and everytime this happens, I lose work and the computer has to synchronise with the rest of the computers and it always finds an error. I will not lose sleep over this or stress any more than the required level. I shall simply find a heavy object and heave it at the computer. It has been the reason blogging has been practically impossible!

On a quick update, Splashy fen was wet, muddy and tons of fun. Drank more beer than last time and I came prepared ('cause sometimes wetwipes and breakfast bars are just not enough), had the occasional bastard try to grope me and watched some fantastic performances! Especially by Harris Tweed! For someone who loves the SA music scene, I am horrified and ashamed at how little notice I've taken of bands that has grown very popular in a short time. Mind you, Hiveld has a way of putting me off any song whatsoever. (Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars being one of them). At least now I feel up to date with what's good and what's shite to watch. My mother came camping with us, her Girl Guides days have finally paid off! Booya!

Big sis has flown back for about a month. Am I the only one who's just pleasantly suprised? Everyone else (excluding her friends) is so very very excited that she's back! I love my big sis, she's tenacious and fun to laugh at and bossy, but I love her more when she's not here drinking up a storm. I am a heartless, selfish person to think this but she has a way of creating a big mess and guess who is left to pick up the pieces?

Still, she's been a huge help with arranging this 21st birthday party. Who know my theme would be so popular? Despite the rush and confusion, I sincerely think everyone is going to have a fantastic time. I only hope the bf can stick it out alone while I play hostess, I mean, 60 odd people aren't that hard to entertain for one evening. My biggest worry at the moment is fitting into my outfit, since Splashy I haven't seen the inside of a gym and my clothes aren't as loose as I'd like them to be. *whine* Please God, if you read this, all I ask is one merciful night that those pants fit perfectly! Please!

I've also been thinking about my future... a lot. I want to study further but I just can't decide in which direction. I know I can do both but eventually I'm going to have to grow up and start a career, if I am to maintain the lifestyle in which I have settled so comfortably. I wish I were one of those arty Varsity students, studying film, getting high and wearing weird clothes...the modern bohemian. At least I can dress weird at my current job, we are a total of 15 people in a house converted into offices. It's far from perfect but it suites me at this stage. I only hope I can find the leadership and strength to take over and run it. Fuck!

Rock Show

2007-04-02T00:15:00.000+02:00

So it's suddenly April. I'm off to Splashy Fen to have squishy fun in the sunny, muddy, fucking-cold-at-night Drakensburg. Hooray!

Even better was the 'oh so fabulous' breakfast/brunch/lunch at Melrose Arch Hotel. My 'oh so fabulous' friend treated us to the most delicious breakfast I have ever had in the nicest location! Wish I had a camera so I could've taken photos and posted them! *whine* We sat at tables in a shallow pool with my non-pedicured, unshaved legs in the water and huge Bloody Mary in hand, it was fanstastic! It had nothing to do with the fact that I was slightly hungover and starved, really! I will admit, we made a spectacle of ourselves, impersonating Chinese tourists, swapping mp3s on our less than state of the art cellphones. Although the staff didn't seem fazed at all, I think they have seen much worse, especially when we asked if they had spare swimming shorts so we could take a dip in the deep end. They just casually tossed us shorts and carried on like swimming in borrowed shorts and the t-shirt you arrived in was an everyday occurance.

I don't know if it is the blogger or our server but I seem to be stuck on 22 March 2007, along with all the other bloggers pages. It's kinda like being frozen in time, except only on the blogosphere. Been really frustrating and to make it worse, I am not living up to the expected standard that came with the job. I've only been at it for a month with less than a weeks training, but I know myself, I know I can do better but it would help if the boss' wife wasn't such a white trash bitch. She is the reason two people have resigned and a constant source of conflict and stress, but I don't scare easily.

So now I must sort tents, booze, my birthday party, lose weight, excel at work and get a pedicure..and a manicure while I'm at it. *sigh* You will probably not be hearing from me for....a very very long time.

Houston, we have a problem

2007-03-23T08:12:00.000+02:00

So whilst scientists are frantically searching for ways to control the "greenhouse" gas emissions, slow down the 50 year storm and find an alternative energy source, I am on a bigger mission. I have to find a venue for my 21st birthday party. I know it's an important year, it's your 'coming of age' and 'key to adulthood' and everyone should make a fuss but honestly, it's not the be all and end all of parties. For me, it's another party where I get presents and friends get together and we can have birthday cake. Mmm...chocolatey birthday cake...

Still, my parents want it to be a special day and so we're doing the party with a theme and proper invitations, and we have no venue. Fabulous. That is how I spent my Human Rights Day, searching for potential venues which I can use (wreck). I was unsuccessful but it wasn't a complete waste of time. I got a few quotes, found out which venues still exist and broadened my general knowledge of the town I've been living in for 10 years. If all else fails, I'll just clear out the lounge, fill the bath with ice and booze and bring in a kick ass sound system. No problem

Watched Van Wilder 2, the rise of Taj, last night too. If you enjoyed the first Van Wilder, you should love the sequel. Boobs, beer and sexual innuendo, everything that made the original such a laugh. I still prefer the first movie however, not only because Ryan Reynolds is nice to look at, but the sequel is a little less refined and clumsy when it came to the potentially hilarious scenes.

I guess everyone's a critic...

Cursed

2007-03-22T01:17:00.000+02:00

So this is what it's like when the blind lead the blind. We are expecting an audit soon and guess who they ask to retrieve information? Who else but the person who has been working here for 3 months. I have no vocabulary now other than "I don't know..."

Despite having an all round difficult week, filled with stress and hangovers and all that makes life so worth living, I still maintain that everything happens for a reason. This past weekend's theme was 'the hangover', having over-indulged on beer with the bf's manager and co-workers on the Friday and my then taking it easy with Smirnoff on Saterday for a friend's 21st. It was one of the few times I wore a skirt to a social event, a white one. Not necessarily something to spill your wine over but everyone who knows me relatively well, will tell you I can't walk out the house wearing white without some stain mysteriously appearing. And to top it all off, Mitchellin actually did what no on expected him to...he hired a jumping castle for his birthday! I am proud to announce minimal panty-flashing for majority of the party and even less photographic evidence. The skirt also came out unharmed.

But back to my original thought, that fate does play a part in where our lives take us... but this reasoning has me stumped. In all the many many many years that Startime players have held rehearsals in every concievable venue, not once has a crime been commited. (Not including the ruthless slaying of classic broadway pieces by a bunch of amatuers) That was until Monday night. My workmate, whom I convinced to audition in the first place, had her car radio ripped out of her car. The strangest thing was that no windows were broken, her car alarm was off and the radio face was "safely" hidden away underneath her seat. It was shocking how they cracked the dashboard, breaking the rest of the controls, after going through all that effort of not breaking a window.

The worst part is it was a secure parking, fairly well lit, people were constantly walking in and out. It is weird how they didn't set off the alarm and knew the radio face was hidden in the car. A curse on the fuckers: may they break their spinal columns and be forced to lie in their own feaces for days, slowly rotting away in a damp, dark room because they are discarded and worthless. I wish it with all my strength.

Well on that cheery note, tonight it's off to Monte, after I change out of the bf's pants. (Slept over again without a change of clothes. I am seriously on my way to living out of my car)

Curtain call

2007-03-13T11:40:00.000+02:00

I love the theatre. I enjoy attending the delightful shows which entertain with such simplistic artistry... ok, I can only count the amount of professional theatre productions on one hand, but I loved it. Most of them when our school took us to the Hiveld Festival. We watched 3 kinds of ballets, and 2 comedy skits (the one being "Chili Boy", now a sold out show even in London!) and I can actually say I have seen it!

However, if I were to count the times I've been involved in amateur theatre, I would have to use both hands and some toes. It's my older siblings fault. She has been involved with school plays, church plays and amatuer productions since she realised people couldn't tell you to stop singing if you were onstage. It has always been my sister's "thing", her 'home away from home', she felt most at ease with the homosexuals and eccentrics (I use those terms with the most respect)

It was fun attending the shows, then helping with transport, then make-up, then setting up backdrops and eventually asked to perform (dance) for the show. I don't do shows for the sheer lack of nerves and acting talent. Well, what started out as moral support for someone actually interested in drama, became an audition and acceptance. I am proud to announce that the amatuer theatre group of Benoni and surrounding areas are doing "Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of Fleet Street." (Now Tim Burton has decided our idea is brilliant and is turning the show into a film starring Johnny Depp and Helena Bohem Carter)

So far I am loving the experience, just don't ask me again until September. The songs are fantastic, the cast are professional, experienced, focused and so dedicated. This is a gutsy project our director has taken upon himself (I rate he'll be grey by June) but his cast are doing it for the love of the stage. At least their hearts are in the right place, we're having the cast party at a pub on Saterday.

My big sis would be so proud.

V for Vendetta

2007-03-08T10:57:00.000+02:00

I have only been in my position a mere two weeks and already Eris, Goddess of Chaos and all that happens in parlaiment, has plonked her fat bottom on my desk and began working her little heart out. Already I am a month and two weeks behind in one programme, I am 9 months behind being qualified to do my current job and a week behind preparations for my birthday. And yet I don't feel the slightest bit stressed or pressured to perform. Perhaps I should.

An email was sent to me. It was about that young girl that was kidnapped and murdered. The police found and arrested the murderer who led them to her decomposing corpse. I was sick to my stomache. I don't like to rant about the shitty things in life, because it's hard enough without being reminded it's full of evil doers. Still, one can't ignore the rage that builds at the senselessness and cowardice. So 9 March we must don pink shirts and jeans, the clothes she was wearing the day she disappeared, and march up to the courts where the trial is being held to protest to the government. Basically saying to them, "Do something else, because whatever you're doing now, ain't working." Maybe they'll allow death by stoning...

I am not one for the mob mindset. In movies, when I see an angry, torch-bearing mob storm from the town, I'm rooting for Frakenstein to escape. This case is an exception. I'm suprised they haven't already shoved a tyre up his nether-regions and set it alight. Shocked? Appalled? Good, a message has gone through. Personally, to avoid the smell and trouble of a fire, I say death by hanging. It worked for our ancestors, it doesn't cost much and there is a fail-safe: Legend says that if the person is innocent, the rope will break. That is why we are using metal cabling.

I fear that one day it's going to happen to a cousin, a sister, a best friend and that I will seek vengeance myself. A far-fetched notion, but who knows, one lead, one eye-witness and a chance encounter. That's how we found the man who attacked my little sister. There were security guards to cuff him. He's doing 10 years for attempted murder. I still think about smashing his skull into the pavement. My blood is boiling enough as is, I trust few, I suspect many and I am becoming aggressive. It's bad because it rarely solves the issue, it's good because it hides my fear.

It's no wonder I dream during the day. I only awaken to a nightmare.

Pure poetry

2007-03-07T09:05:00.000+02:00

I have a little secret, but I'm not sure who to tell
I have a little secret, it will send me straight to hell
I have a little secret and to no one may it impart
I have a little secret, kept deep within my heart

I have a little question, burning in my head
I have a little question, my curiosity must be fed
I have a little question, messing with my brain
I have a little question, it's driving me insane

So now this little secret is burning me inside
it's losing me my sleep, it's scratching at my pride
I must tell it to someone, sworn to secrecy
but who can I trust with this secret haunting me

That stupid little question, that insignificant pain
that stupid little secret that I alone must claim
those difficult decisions life throws upon the path
the ones that alter destinies and break our bleeding hearts

This is no time to panic

2007-03-01T01:55:00.000+02:00

So I never want to do what I did last night, ever again. Well, at least only the last bit of the evening. My mother's (soon-to-be-ex) fiance flew in, from what was left of the islands, in Mozambique with a splinter in his eye and a beard to match Tom Hanks' in Castaway. He flew back this morning, so last night the brat and I headed off to East Rand Mall to meet them and my wayward Uncle for dinner.

One defining characteristic about my Uncle, is that he is NEVER on time. The word 'punctual' and him, I don't think, have ever met. So, these days whenever we invite him out, we ask him to be there 2 hours before the actual time. He was still 10 minutes late. *sigh*

Whilst waiting for wayward Uncle to appear, we order drinks and begin chatting about the devastation wreaked upon Vilanculous and the Bazaruto archipelago, and how to survive a cyclone (useful information surely). During the wait for my wayward Uncle, his arrival, salutations, looking at the menu, ordering and waiting for the food, I must have consumed about 20 litres of semi-sweet chateaux le doos. By the time my tramezini was placed on the table, the room was spinning. I had last eaten at work around 3 o' clock before gracing the gym and then to the mall. Understandebly I was, in a word, fucked. So I chow down on the food, savouring it inbetween hearty mouthfuls, thinking to myself the bigger the piece the more alcohol it will absorb out of my stomache. Nevermind that for me to be in this state my stomache had dutifully absorbed the alcohol and it was currently replacing the blood in my veins.

I wish I could say I don't know how I got home, I just opened my eyes and I was cozy in bed. I can't. I remember every gruelling detail of the 20km trip home, the fear of getting pulled over, passing out behind the wheel, hurling in my car etc. It was the worst feeling not to mention the serious guilt to top it all off! I told myself I would never do that to myself and even I let myself down. Shit. The worse part was knowing the hangover lurking the next morning, on the very day I was to start in my new position alone.

Strangely enough I woke at 4 this morning bright as a button and not very much hungover. My is a little sensitive though, and my liver has raised a white flag so it looks like "Puza Thursday" is not happening. *Liver cries gleefully out of relief*

Now to actually get down to working.

The night the lights went out in New York City

2007-02-22T01:02:00.001+02:00

Not having power at the office yesterday really sucked. I was really the optimistic fool when we received the tiny notice from the municipality (shoved under a brick in the corner of the driveway) stating that the power would be out from 7 til 5 on Wednesday. My reaction was Yay! there's no point coming into work if we won't have computers, telephones or a kettle for that matter, everyone else's reaction was Shit! A whole day's work lost. Our boss/ owner tells us, "It's the municipality so chances are we will have power. Come into work and we'll see how it goes."

Alas, Wednesday morning comes, I enter the office expectantly and would you believe it, everything is working. Sorry girls, it's just another day in the office. So great, I get cracking on the emails, ready to be constructive when everything just dies. Shit! One working telephone, which the telesales girl grabbed with phenomenal speed and began calling friends, family, drug dealers...whoever, and filing, that's been piling up since 1679. Hmmm *looking from stacks of paperwork to Zippo in hand whilst contemplating jailtime for arson*

Needless to say when the power came back on fifteen minutes before closing I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I think I laughed because when I cry the eyes go red, the nose runs, the lower lip wobbles. Not a very pretty sight and a sign of weakness. At least got to escape the nightmare with excuse that I was taking the bf to the airport. His mom offered to drop him off but after I demanded he pack spare clothes, deodorant and a jersey in his carry on luggage, I decided I might as well make sure he boards the damn aeroplane. Needless to say had it not been for my timely intervention, he would be stuck in a sweltering Lagos with nothing but long pants and golf shirts. Ha!

So tonight, I am doing what every respectable girl, who finds herself apart from her man for a period of time, should do. Ladies Night! It's actually more harmless than it sounds; movie and drinks with mother, co-worker and soon-to-be-hitched best friend.

*Still staring contemplatively from Zippo to paperwork* If ever there was a time for an evil grin, it would be now.

Clever little worker bee

2007-02-22T01:02:00.000+02:00

So I am feeling a bit stupid right about now. I have accepted the challenge of taking over from our bookkeeper despite my limited experience as one (limited being none) and have her train me in what little time she has left here. I have officially given up my right to slack off! Hence the lack of posts, emails, lunch hours, toilet breaks... I would be kicking myself if it weren't for the fact that it takes too much effort and I may trip and fall and hurt myself.

But not to worry, I need the experience and they need a trustworthy slave/employee urgently, I can see this working out to my advantage. It just means I'll have to be organised, responsible and actually work most of the time! So far everyone has shown the greatest confidence in my abilities. I must be a better bullshitter than I thought.

The latest update from Nigeria (this testimony given from someone who was actually there) is it's kinda like the dirtiest, scummiest part of Soweto, only ten times worse. It was kinda hard to imagine until I got the photos. Not to sound like unadventurous but it was like the crappiest part of Yoeville (somewhere I have been) except they have DSTV sattelites dishes adorning every second roof. Oh, the irony.

Now my man is in Ghana, who are at the moment celebrating 50 years of independance. Yay for Ghana I guess. He says it reminds him of South Africa, only hotter. I have a feeling I am no longer picking up a bf from the airport but a tanned Greek god. Not too thrilled at that thought considering the pasty colour I am. Considering spray on tan to avoid the playful teasing I am bound to get when we compare skin tones. *Glare* The only chance I have of leaving the country is if the company decides to relocate the entire office to Switzerland after merging with well established international company, or I am banished for high treason and sent to the Bahamas to think about my bad behaviour. That is pushing it a bit but a girl can dream can't she?

Will most likely post panic induced rant about finding a costume for a 21st party the next day. Too busy brooding over return of tanned Greek god due back in my arms eventually to worry about neckerchiefs...*sigh*

Down with the Sickness

2007-02-20T08:28:00.000+02:00

If I have one thing to rant about (and will probably whine about for the next 2 weeks) it's the one thing we will never control. Freaking climate changes! I will admit that I don't lead a 'balanced life' (unless you consider finishing a slice of cake with the perfect red wine balanced) I do try eating healthily, avoiding refined starches, fried foods, including fruits and veggies everyday but I can't seem to avoid the nearest virus floating around. Pretty soon I'm running a fever, coughing up the remnants of your lungs, using everything from toilet paper to unsuspecting coworkers sleeves when the boxes of tissues run out.

I have been there and done that way too often and I am fed up. I am tired of buying medicine which has no fun side-effects like dizziness on me, and tired of turning down perfectly fun evenings because I felt anything but fun. Mostly it's because I have a bf now and don't want to scare him away with the sight of a 'sick me'. It aint pretty! Actually he has seen me the morning after 'the night before' and didn't even wince, but still, I would like to imagine that when I go to bed looking like "Sleeping Beauty" I don't want to wake up as the "Beast".

It just boils down to being healthy and living without restrictions. I am currently taking eye drops four times a day, 3 tablets for bladder infection 3 times a day, using tea tree oil twice a day and feeling sickly all day. Still I am grateful that I am not deaf, blind, mutilated or chronically ill but if I'm going to be this 'normal' can't I have optimal health as well? I mean getting sick once a year and recovering completely within 3 days would be ideal!

Watched "Lucky Number Slevin" last night and thought it kicked ass. Very much like 'The Usual Suspects' but not so depressing. A stylish and sharp witted mind-fuck.

P.S. Must have brain to fully appreciate this flick.

2 years...but who's counting?

2007-02-19T11:04:00.000+02:00

Today is the two year anniversary of my first date/kiss with the bf. This is the longest period of time I have been loving and faithful to one man, and I am extremely proud of myself! The last time I dated anyone it only lasted a week, but I believe the reason we ever hooked up in the first place was the misalignment of Venus, fate's sense of humour and the unpredictable chemical that is alcohol. Let's just say we both came out of that relationship feeling more confused rather than hurt or guilty. I have a much better feeling about my current squeeze (obviously!)

So on Friday we went to watch Arno Carsten at the Blues Room, which I haven't been to in over a year, and then I remembered why. I like visiting the "trendy" top-rated spots in Jozi, I like the atmosphere and the "trendy" people and art deco furniture...and I don't even mind it being overpriced because hey, everything taken into account, it's a far cry from "Die Watergat". The Blues Room has all that, except cold beers, cold cocktails in fact, nothing to justify a R100 cover charge. If we didn't get Arno's autograph or take photos with him or meet "Collective Unconscious", the excellent companions and the liquid cocaine shooters, it would've been a pretty awful night.

Sometime during a Valentine's Fund raiser I scratched the lense of my eye which almost immediately started tearing and swelling. It did not look good. Here are all these couples sharing a romantic meal of chicken and rice enjoying the same love ballades as they did in 1973, only to have me strut past on my only pair stiletto's holding my hands over a very tearful eye to the ladies bathroom. The bf acted very gentlemanly, leading me out, stopping me from walking into pillars and walls and other people. My eye is a wee bit better but has left me a little paranoid.

What if I have permanently damaged my eye? Will it always tear up if I drive on a sunny day or even while watching TV? It's bad enough that I can't see without my glasses but losing sight in one eye forever chills me to the bones.

Need to make an appointment with the eye doctor soon. Will worry about lack of medical aid later.

Sweet suprises...

2007-02-15T01:26:00.000+02:00

Forgive me in my moment of mushy, gushy and romanticism.

Yesterday was the first time anyone has had flowers delivered to me at work! It was a sweet suprise, one I honestly thought I would never recieve! Not that I think I don't deserve these tokens of adoration but it seemed the kind of thing you only get in a romantic comedy or when you're married. The whole thing was actually quite funny.

I decided that I would do something nice for the girls for Valentines and make cupcakes for lack of a better idea. I am a fantastic baker and that's pretty much where my culinary skills end. Being as sick as a dog, however, I decided not to spread my germs. No one missed out, we were treated to chocolate roses and chelsea buns and suckers at the office. Then I signed onto messenger to wish every unfortunate bugger on there a "Happy Vals" (much to my sister's annoyance). The bf kept asking if I'd gotten anything and I mentioned the chelsea buns, only to have him moan that he never ever got a Valentines. I guess having the company cook lunch for him is simply not 'special' enough!

About half an hour before I finish a man walks in with a red rose arrangement and a card made out to me. *Pause for girly "Aaaawww"* The best part is they were a deep velvet red, one of my favourite colours, and roses are so rare to get on such a busy day (flower industry speaking).

I must admit, as commercialised and abused as this holiday is, receiving that bouquet, or box of chocolate or sexy lapdance brings a pleasant feeling and smile you just can't deny.

This year's love

2007-02-14T10:54:00.000+02:00

Happy Valentine's Day! That's all I'm going to say about today.

I have been sick since Thursday. Horribly and truly sick. It's disgusting really how much phlegm one person can cough up, not to mention the runny nose, croaky voice and Grim Reaper-like presence. I blame the club-hopping, camel-smoking, fresh-out-of-matric telesales girl. She's a nice person, I like her, but her nightly escapades around Boksburg (of all places) have given her a "might-as-well-have-lung-cancer" cough.

Thus, now I have been infected and before I got better, I got a whole lot worse. I don't know how I made it through Friday. I sat at my desk, building a nice heap of damp tissues in the dustbin and figuring out the most comfortable position to lay my head on the desk. I don't know how I made it to 3pm but the minute I got home I found 'bed' and made good friends with it. The rest of my weekend can be described as "suffered through it".

I cannot remember the last time I felt this sick. I usually come down with the 'sniffles' everytime the seasons change. I can do nothing to prevent it but grab a box of kleenex and Sinucons and hope for the best. I don't enjoy being sick, I don't like taking "sick leave" because I need to reserve those days for "the morning after the night before" days!

So tonight I plan to take advantage of all the 'passion and romance' in the air to spend tonight with a great guy, a great bottle of wine and jellytots. (I personally prefer smarties *sigh*)

We all need a little sanctuary...

2007-02-06T07:52:00.000+02:00

Hercules, Zues, Poseidon, Hades and Athena. As mentioned on a misposted post, are the 5-week-old puppies who have become delightful editions to one of my homes. (I am living three lives, having three homes just makes sense) And they still don't even look like alsations, just heads and tummies and 4 little paws, on a scale of cuteness they get a 8/10. It still breaks my heart to think of Hercules dying, but it would've been worse to see him suffer. That I know I couldn't bare. While I am all for humanity and saving the populace, I am just more inclined to feel empathetic at the sight of an animal suffering.

I think my indifference towards third world suffering is because humans bring it upon themselves, no one is truly innocent. I mean this in instances like the two tribes massacaring each other in Rwanda (the Hutu's vs someone or another). Sure one tribe is being brutally slaughtered but 2 years ago they were responsible for a mass slaying of that tribe. Don't even get me started on the Middle East. Just don't. The whole poverty and lack of proper medical care and education thing does get a sympathy vote from me too. I believe the world would be a much better place if we had those isseus sorted from the get go. Survival of the fittest I guess.

I've come to wonder if perhaps my sensitivity is fueled by guilt. Indirectly we all have destroyed their habitat, killed off endangered species...I'm all for saving baby seals instead of Somalians. Seriously. I met an interesting lady,Liz, who is in charge of a group called A.W.A.R.E, who is trying to save the animals in war-stricken Congo. They teach the locals how to farm for themselves instead of depending so heavily on the resources and that killing wild animals is a big 'no-no'. It's one of my dreams, when I'm incredibly wealthy, to open a wildlife sanctuary, protected from greedy developers and pollution. Why can't everyone just take a little interest in conserving this country's bread and butter?

And like they say, 'If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem...'

Only in America

2007-01-29T02:21:00.000+02:00

Of all the different cultures, classes and general cliques in America's society, there is one sub-culture that has managed to evolve through time and at the same rate as technology without losing it's original identity or goal.

This being the "Gaming Community", a vast group, largely consisting of males ranging between the ages 15 to 45, who play out their lives in a series of make-believe worlds as make-believe characters. A gamer can be spotted by the spooky complexion due to lack of sunlight and rounded posture from hours spent hunched over their computers typing furiously and yelling "Eat lead you fuckshit! Ha! Head shot bitch!" Most gamers are frowned upon for their lack of social interaction, especially with the female species, and while they are English-speaking, no one can quite understand them. I will admit, I am non the wiser when it comes to LANS, RAMS, Patches or Pinging.

Yet since most of the males I come into contact with are in some way involved in IT (some more so than others), I have been exposed to what happens when Gamers have WAY too much time on their hands.

Take for instance Ctrl Alt Del, it's a satirical, sadistic online comic about gamers, it's brilliant! There is something about the new generations' dark sense of humour and comments dripping with sarcasm, that just goes down so much better than the gags in movies like Date Movie.

Another masterpiece by our violence-obsessed generation is Red vs Blue. All round hilarity brought about by all round insanity. These guys claim they are working on a breakthrough in film-making, but they really are just fucking around. It is a series about two teams, Red and Blue. Both teams are a mixed bunch of characters but in all essence, they are slackers, more interested in fighting amongst themselves than actually fighting each other. From dimwitted plots to sharpwitted dialogue, it captures the true sense of humor that I love so much about gamers. They base it on the Halo and Halo 2 games from Microsoft for the Xbox and the Xbox 360.

I may think America's political and social ideals are stupid but as for their Gamers, they make me laugh! They can take just about any annoyance and make us laugh about it, even at the cost of their dignity - like Leon Schuster. In fact most South Africans have the ability to laugh at themselves, the rest are just laughed at. I love to laugh, I love to make people laugh, I feel alive when I am laughing, (even if it's alcohol induced). Who cares about laughter lines anyway?

Lost

2007-01-24T11:55:00.000+02:00

I never wanted to work in an office behind a desk, on a computer. Even through to Matric I was certain I would follow a different career path, as long as I wasnt stuck in a cubicle doing some person's admin.

Things have definitely not worked out as I expected, as I find myself firmly planted behind a desk, staring at a computer screen while making endless streams of papers disappear into the bin.

Now this year I have an opportunity to study anything (within reason) part-time but I am spoiled for choice. There is so much I want to learn and do, but education isn't cheap. This course has to be worth my while, not my spiritual growth as a person, but something useful, incase I get fired for crashing my computer's hardrive (again)

I am veering very much towards the creative side, let out the inner artist and hopefully find a little direction. I know how I want to live, I know I don't want to live like this, it's just finding the career that will get me there.

Considering stripping as career...it pays well, it's creative and the only thing I'll be doing on a desk is posing on all fours...reconsidering that career choice. Quite demeaning and I have a fear of public nudity.

Shit

Rethinking plan...

Let's go to prison

2007-01-22T08:53:00.000+02:00

My back is sore, my neck is sore, my bones are sore... I cannot believe the amount of pain my body is in, and I cannot believe next week is the last week of January. I concede, in financial terms this has been the longest/dryest month of my life and I am happy / relieved to see payday but also realise how little I have achieved in one month!

Friday night I partied at Zeppelin's with the bf's siblings with whom I get along with suprisingly well. There are major renovations going on there so only one dance floor was open - Retro foor! The novel idea of taking requests and actually playing what the crowd wants to hear is brilliant! Of course you have to contend with the occasional numb nut requesting Vanilla Ice but there is always the comforting thought that the DJ is not brave enough as to attempt to play it to 30+ hardcore moshers. We had fun, til about 1am, then all the boys unanimously decided it was home time. Being the responsible, wonderful girlfriends, we left them at the table and refused to leave until the DJ either played "Black Betty" or "Nelly the Elephant"! We left an hour and a half later, after "Black Betty" but no "Nelly the Elephant" (shucks!)

The rest of the weekend we caught up with the entire first season of Prison Break. That's about 10 hours worth of depressing cells and references to Vaseline and Mozambiquans, and of course, Wentworth and Dominique. Two fine-looking men but not so cute as to cause a heart palpitation. I seriously don't know what the big deal is, it seems women across the globe would give their most prized Louis Vitton to be with him! The most attractive thing about Wentworth are his eyes and the whole brooding expression, the tattoo is a bonus but in the end, like his character-Micheal, it just aint real. Which lead me to thinking: 'Would I wait for my man if he ever ended up in prison?

It's hard. My natural response is no...he's in prison, I'm out here. I am not putting my life on hold while you get free meals, TV and bed. If we happen to cross paths some years later and find ourselves single then I'd be happy to resume some sort of relationship. Sad but true, I can be brutal. But how far would I go to prove him innocent if I were convinced he were unfairly prosecuted? To the ends of the earth and back, I hope. The whole thought of devoting your life to someone beyond marraige, even beyond blood is a romantic but stupid notion. What are you gaining? and most importantly, 'What are you missing?'

Saw the preview to a great comedy called "Let's go to prison". Keep an eye out if you enjoy the spoof/comedy genre!

Working Girl

2007-01-19T04:48:00.000+02:00

Ah, it's Friday, it's almost 5 o' clock and I am slacking off...for a bloody change. I've been working hard and the lack of internet, in fact, any functional communication technology (hellkom...go figure)
has played a large part in my working so hard. Still I prefer all the running and confusion and plain action compared to sitting around bored out of my mind in a little cubicle.

Now people actually depend on my abilities (er...sucks to be them) and everyday has it's challenges and little rewards. It has also helped a part of me which I thought had died flourish and develop. I have rediscovered my problem solving skills. Before, if I came across the merest hint of a discrepency I would hand it over to the nearest unfortunate victim and wash my hands of it completely. Now I am doing 'follow ups' and 'call backs' and other things that distinguish good from great.

It's probably because somewhere inside I can't smother the student in me who believes things should be done right...maybe not outstandingly well but right the first time. This is a good thing. I am learning, I am no longer dead from the ankles up. Life is returning to the blank body and original thought to the empty mind.

So bring on the problems, I'm gonna fix it or blow it up. Both ways work.

You should be dancing...

2007-01-11T08:51:00.000+02:00

I believe in starting off mornings on the right note, literally. Waking up to your favourite tune bouncing out the radio has an uplifting effect, you gotta get up to lower the volume as it is. I mean, who enjoys being woken up by that blaring alarm beep (ugh) unless thats the only thing that would ever drag you out of bed. Even Shakespeare suggested that we should not walk or stroll but rather dance;

"Wherefore are these things hid?....Why dost thou not go to church in a gallaird and come home in a coranto?......My very walk should be a jig.........Is it a world to hide virtues in?"

Beautifully put! So to the point, I want to be woken by the tender touch of my favourite tunes, or even a gentle shake on the shoulder. This morning I was not so lucky. Having spent the previous evening at the Keg celebrating the bf's new Corsa, we toddled in around 11pm, only fell asleep long after. Come 6 this morning my radio switches on so me being the nice and considerate person I am climb quickly out of bed to turn the volume down so we can catch another 45min zzzz's undisturbed. Lo and behold, my eyes are not closed 10min when he starts mumbling angrily. I let it pass, thinking it's a request for coffee and make my answer clear by cuddling closer in bed.

The next moment the bf wakes up with a skrik!

Bf: What the fuck?! Shit what a nightmare...Lolly?
Lol: (lying in pain on floor next to bed) Yeah, must have been pretty bad. Can I get back to sleep in my own bed now?

He couldnt sleep after that which meant neither could I. If I had just had that last half hour my head wouldnt be half as sore as it is now. Or maybe that's the enormous amount of sugar I have injested. My new co-worker has taken it upon herself to share a packet of jelly teeth and fruits with me. Plus the buddy bottle coke I get this morning. Great for those tender mornings, bad for a health nut like me. My system isnt used to Coke a cola! I am currently shaking in nervous anticipation behind the monitor!

Not good. Not good at all!

Get rich or die tryin'

2007-01-09T10:01:00.000+02:00

It looks like the big bad world has had a sobering effect on me. I am no longer the fun, unhinged individual I once was. The wardrobe, the lifestyle, the attitude has altered with me. I dont know if this is a good thing either because I enjoy the chaos and the freedom that came with being not quite normal!

It was as though you were the only one with all the answers but nobody bothered to ask the right questions. I was not arrogant, I just a proud rebel but now I dont know what has happened to me. Maybe it's the ambitious student in me; always aiming to achieve the highest, always trying to be the best. In school it's easy; excel in academics or sports or both. College and varsity was mostly the same, whilst trying to land a job. Now what?

Isn't the highest aim in this life to be happy? If you cannot laugh with all your heart or dance and sing with all your soul what have you achieved. It seems this has been a question pondered over by many. Even Charles Dickens wrote a legendary tale of the grim and downright bitchy "Scrooge" who learned there's more to life than money and bullying the poor. Even "Family Man" put it so blatently that family comes first it was hard to see the advantages of living alone in luxury.

Now I am torn between true achievement and spiritual happiness. I would naturally choose riches and glory; it's hard to find happiness on a budget, but maybe I'm being a little too hard on myself. There is still time to study further, time to improve at my abilities, time to heal the past, time to do what I want. Or maybe there just isnt enough time....

Pretty dreary for a Tuesday blog. Hmmm *sips green tea with mint*

On a current, brighter note; the bf is getting his new pimp-mobil today. Aircon, power-steering, mags...he's so excited, like a kid on Christmas morning. I hope they put the giant red ribbon on and bottle of bubbly for him, like they did for me. This is his first brand spanking 'fresh out the box' car he's buying. (All his previous cars were pre-owned). I only wish I could be there when he picks it up; to see that 'proud new owner' expression plastered on his face! *sigh* This also means - we must celebrate!

Gone fishin

2007-01-05T11:40:00.000+02:00

My first day at work and already abusing my internet privilidges (on someone else's computer - they are still working on getting a desk for me) and wasting working hours instead of being productive, positive employee. Fck it, filing can wait.

It's my first day at the new job and it is ridiculous how close I live to work! 10 kms at most! It's a small printing company that have built their own offices on a plot near Great North Road. A lot still needs to be done, like finishing my office area. My very own office! I may not have a desk chair or computer but at least I have my own space! In all honesty, it's a step down considering my last job at Prestigious Auditing Firm, but it's a step in the right direction. Just the thought of returning to depressing cubicle in Prestigous Auditing Firm is enough to make one reach for the wine and Valium.

The last day of my holiday was wisely spent next to Vaal dam, where I once again attempted to 'fish'. I would like to say that I tried my hardest and gained much appreciation for the sport -had I actually baited and casted my hook, but then that's what men are for. As far as I'm concerned the real gratification comes when you reel your fish in,hold it up proudly while it cunningly squirms out of your hands before someone can take a picture. I managed to catch- in the 10 hours we spent there- a grand total of 2 fish. I major achievement when you look back at my previous record of catching none.

It was, of course, catch and release, I wouldnt have it any other way. Call me a 'pansy, sissy, yuppie' but the thought of catching, killing and eating a creature in one go doesnt hold any appeal. Maybe if the circumstances were extremely desperate, then I'd go all 'primitive hunter'. But after looking at the poor fish in the eye, seeing him fight to breathe, and the slime dripping over the scales, I couldnt imagine killing and roasting poor fishy. Even though it was fool enough to be caught. Which brings me to a question brought up yesterday, whilst nursing my last Hunter's and soaking up the UV rays:

"Why, if fish mainly eat waterplants/smaller fish/ bugs, do we lure them in, with chicken feed?" Do fish actually enjoy the totally foreign taste of mielies which are not easily found in lakes and streams? How do they find it in the murky water if not my smell? Are fish somehow related to chickens? One of life's great mysteries I suppose.

Gotta nurse my sunburn now.

The time has come...

2007-01-02T06:07:00.000+02:00

New Years parties i attend are beginning to develop a pattern. It's as if the next year cannot enter until I am pissed and in a pool. Seriously, it's becoming like a bad habit;
"3...2...1...Happy *splash* New *splash* Year!"

*Lolly surfaces with empty bottle of champagne dripping and shivering and grinning like buffoon*

I must admit, the party was rocking, despite not seeing all my favourite faces, the right faces were there! There was the usual talk of old years events, new year's plans, threesomes. (Dont ask) So now it's all over and all I have to show for it are some crazzeyyy pics and the worst hangover ever. Spent entire first day of January 2007 recovering in bed. Does that mean I'm off to a bad start?

And for the upcoming year I have made a conscious decision to set reasonable resolutions for 2007;

Ahem

1. No more weed, dagga, happy twig, wacky tabbacy or any other name for that poison
2. No more procrastinating (will start that one tomorrow)
3. Conquer my fears (especially those which inhibit social abilities)

So simple yet so hard for me. knowing myself I'll only succeed on resolution numero uno cause I lost contact with my dealers and I'm not a smoker. Success by default. Which is a good thing come to think of it. This year is going to be one huge party. It's a year for turning 21 for me and my friends.

I see some expensive presents and some heavy, booze-laden partying ahead of me. (Liver has just spasmed..hmmm)

Here's to grabbing the bull by the balls or something! Watch out 2007, I'm becoming an adult!

A good year

2006-12-30T10:13:00.000+02:00

So with Christmas out the way and short vacation in Durban highly successful (got me tan - hoorah!) it's the big warm up towards New Year's Eve.

My Christmas was very um..well..Christmassy, spent with family and bf's family. Traditional Christmas dinner by candlelight and the indigestion caused by 'feasting'. Boxing day was fun, spent with life-long friend and her big-mouth bf, at Rietvlei Nature Reserve.

R20 entrance fee gets you in and it's a slow drive past zebra, springbucks, 'rooibokke', blesbuck, cheetahs, hippos. They have a veiwing deck built on the edge of the dam so you can get a safe close up of the hippos. It felt like a mini Kruger Park just closer to home. The only downside is that they are selling stands, and I am not exaggerating, right outside the front entrance. Now apart from the downside of living close to open veld (mozzies, flies, dung-drafts) there is the obvious increase in traffic. I dont see any alternative roads being built and that Nature Reserve sees many a tourist in one day, and they are restoring the wetland! Something is not right.

Back to my original train of thought...the New Years Party. Many believe that this should be the most awesome party of all parties to end off the year. I totally agree. But I have had many a quiet New Years as great ones, so it's not the focal point of my existence.

One NY eve started out at a stranger's house party, where they conveniently experienced a power failure. So a few drinks later, my friend and I hopped into her mom's citi golf in search of the nearest pub. She had had too much Spiced Gold, so me with only my learner's and no more sober drove through Benoni before changing our minds and ending up at Trilogy. We got in 5 min before midnight, enough time to dance on the speakers, bump into someone called Mark and get a New Year's kiss! 3 hrs later, using the pavement to stop the car, we saw a guy run into Bimbos to order wearing nothing but his socks, on his feet. I've still got laughing lines from that evening.

Last year I spent it with family at my Uncles mini-townhouse. This year things are going more according to my plans: a piss up with my closest friends at a house that is not mine. We have the house, we have the champs, now we need the party animals!

It's going to be a great year, because I will make it great!

Signs

2006-12-15T08:53:00.000+02:00

I dont know how many other people saw the rainbow this morning but to me it was the prettiest and yet the most unusual thing. I had a pretty rough night, what with all the debt my loving Older sister left behind, and was feeling a little more than concerned this morning.

So when I saw this thick chunk of a rainbow appear infront of dark rainclouds I took this as good sign. As I drove to work, passing East Rand Mall on the N12, the rainbow wavered and faded a bit. But approaching the Edenvale offramp, I saw it in it's entirety; it looked as though the rainbow had sprouted out of the middle of the City! Despite all the smoke and grit in the air, it boldly stood out between the buildings and arced gracefully into the grey coulds above. That's when it reminded me of all the bloggers on this post, some living in the midst of the chaos of Jozi, and still maintaining a sense of humanity and humour. They are like a ray of hope within a city gone to Hell, they calm the anarchist in me.

Another sign awaited me at the office this morning, confirming today was no ordinary Friday. Two large gifts of chocolate lay on my desk this morning! There goes my diet but I don't care! Truly an excellent breakfast of chocolate covered nuts will solve whatever the world wants to throw at me. The third sign was an sms from a friend, whom I suspected considered me a bit of an airhead, but he took something I said seriously and offered his assistance. I think it's the time of year and a majority of people feeling joy that has caused a planetary shift. Everyone I've spoken to have described 2006 as a rough year, not 'exciting or eventful or even downright boring'. It's like we're the graduating class in the 'School of Hard Knocks' (qoute Little Nicky soundtrack by P.O.D.)

Now for the first step away from the American stereotype of what Christmas SHOULD be, I propose our own carols that do not involve 'sledding in snow' or 'roasting nut over a fire'

(to the tune of jingle bells)

Everytime this year, we leave for the coast
baking in the sun, going brown like toast
Families gather round, stories they will bring
standing near a braai, they begin to sing:

Oh, jingle bells, batman smells, what a stupid rhyme
if we had a better song we'd sing it all the time
so much cheer, so much beer, so much summer fun
I'll enjoy my cocktails full of good old spiced gold rum

No snow, it's never cold, we live by the pool
dancing in the lightning storms has never felt this cool
Christmas eve, Santa's here, for the good and bad
in his neon boxer shorts he looks a bit like...Dad!

Boerewors, lamb kebabs, salads, rolls and steak
Christmas lunch is never small, dont make that sad mistake
We dont need snow and bells, our Spirits are not wrong
My Uncle got his Christmas wish, a super stylish BONG!

Needs a bit of tweaking but it's got potential. (I wrote this when I was 13, ok?)

The Longest Yard

2006-12-14T07:22:00.000+02:00

I got my car back! I got Josie back from the panelbeaters at last!!! I feel so blessed, they repaired it within a week and before they closed. I admit I do take a lot for granted, I know that things could be much, much worse for me. It just goes to show, Karma comes back to haunt you. That is why I try to respect the life around me, despite my aggressive nature, I dont litter, steal or kill spiders. I do, however, squash many mosquitos and flies - but that is only because we are their natural predators and play a vital role in keeping their numbers down.

Jam's blog has become very sentimental and reflective, causing me too, to reflect on this year. After thinking over the events that have lead me up the point where I am now I can sum it up in a single phrase:"Fuck, what a ride!" This year felt like I lived an entire lifetime and now I must move onto a new life. I passed N6 financial accounting with distinctions, I maintained 2 jobs before beginning a third at a prestigious firm. I quit this firm to work at a small printing company closer to home.

I was hijacked, gained a friend, lost a friend, bought my first brand spanking new pimp ride! (ok, not so much a pimp ride, as a corsalite with mags, I still love my car) rode into a bakkie with my brand spanking new ride, went to Splashy Fen, went to Parys, went to Moloko, went to my dad's wedding, went to a dress up 21st, went to movies...a lot! Laughed a lot, cried a lot too.

Just thinking about it makes me tired, or it could be the slight hangover this morning. Last night I was invited to dinner with the bf's family for his younger bro's 23rd birthday. This included bf's gran, older sister, her bf/fiance and baby Josh. Good company, good wine, good-ish food, great garlic role, greatest Kahlua Dom pedros! Slept over at bf's place, (cant believe how much body heat one person can radiate! Great for winter, not so great for summer)

Left around 4:45am, saw a few cars heading for airport, got home, showered, brushed teeth, dressed, packed lunch, brushed teeth, brushed hair, brushed teeth again.

People assaulted with garlicky breath: 3 and still counting
(excl 1 unsuspecting vampire)

Let's have a war

2006-12-13T07:59:00.001+02:00

So I'm driving from work on the N3 south and take the Edenvale off ramp that takes you past Edenmeadow shopping centre (or most importantly where Stones is),when I stop at the robot patiently waiting for the stream of cars to pass. Immediately I am marauded by hawkers selling the most random items by trying to shove them through my window. I usually ward them off by playing System of a Down at deafening volume but this particular day I was chilling to a bit of My Chemical Romance, and didnt glare because it causes wrinkles.

One of the hawkers, clearly an illegal alien (not even human I think) approaches the car determinedly and I give him the 'man-hating-woman-with-pms' stare. Still he proceeded to tap at my rolled up window with his plastic hand puppet. I clearly indictated to him "Thank you but no." He then blatantly took a nice, thorough look of my car's interior, his eyes clearly resting firmly on my handbag, which I stash beneath my legs under the drivers seat, before idling away. I immediately felt infuriated looking around for the bastard and cursing so loudly the other vendors steered clear. I was suddenly on the war path. Ready for the first unlucky fucker to try and test my nerves. (even considered getting blue paint, a kilt and screaming like Will Wallace"Freedom!")

It wasnt the fact that I felt threatened and violated by this ' potential criminal,' that had me livid, it was the sheer blatancy in which he scoped out a 'potential victim'. Criminals are getting way too arrogant for my liking. And then this morning, whilst driving past Holy Rosary in Edenvale I drove past what looked like a pedestrian hit by a car, but taking a good look it looked more like the victim of a failed hijacking. There was a body, barefoot, covered mostly by a black blanket, blood trickling slowly into the storm drain, and the police - waving the cars by.

I used to be a very optimistic person, I believed things would get better as the nation was receiving education, valued tourism, technology has become sophisticated enough to protect us. Then I watched City of God (set in Brasil) and their drug lords. This did not make me grateful things werent so bad in SA because the truth was we are not far off from becoming that. The situation is worsening and steps must be taken to punish not rehabilitate.
Poverty is not an excuse, unemployment is not an excuse - they're doing it to get rich fast. The opportunities the underpriviledged have, the many successes rising from nothing.

So here is the solution to our problems: Fear.
Prisons offer free bed with matress, free meals, free education, free tv and a little entertainment if you're lonely. They're a fucking vacation spot for repeat offenders. As offenders of human rights they forfeit all their rights. I think we can learn something from the Chinese - a dark room, a straw mat, 2 buckets - survivable.
Rapists - castration or death by stoning by the victim and her family. There is Nothing he can say that could count as an excuse.
Politicians - 5 years working on sewerage plants. So much shit comes out of their mouths, they should feel quite at home with the smell.

Cuddly and cute

2006-12-13T07:59:00.000+02:00

Athena, Zeus, Poseidon, Hercules and Hades. These are the names I christened our alsation's first litter almost 3 weeks ago. Hercules was the runt of the litter, so I named him after the strongest man in Greek mythology, and stayed up through the night nursing him with a syringe. He was so tiny and so loud, it really broke my heart when I came back from a gruelling day at work to find the mother had smothered him. Maybe it was for the best, and little Hercules didn't suffer long. *sniff*

I'm such a sadist most of the time, I can watch movies in which women, children and old people were brutally slaughtered and not blink, but when Bambi's mom gets shot by a bastard hunter! I'm finished! I can't watch Land before Time, Homeward Bound, Black Beauty or even The Lion King without a lump forming in my throat and me blinking back tears. It's quite embarassing since it's only movie, but it still affects some part of my subconscious. Finding the puppy under the mom didn't affect me as badly as I thought it would. There was the sadness, a piece of my heart did tighten for a moment, but I tried and mother nature knows best in the end.

So now we have 4 adorable bundles of fur for me to dote on and cuddle and take photos of, before we give them away. Their eyes are open and they're beginning to develop teeth and waddle around. They're the cutest, most adorable fluffy things we've had in our yard in a long while - my cat rarely makes an appearance in the yards unless it's to prey on helpless baby birds. These she then deposits in my room and looks at me all proud-like, as if I'm supposed to feel special while I vacuum up bird feathers and entrails off my bed.

I'm such a softy...

The joys of self awareness

2006-12-12T07:42:00.000+02:00

If there is one thing in this world more dangerous than an impatient dutchman with a 4x4 double-cab on Oxford Rd at 7:30 am; it's thinking you can drink and eat like a man and not feel the consequences. My sister's return meant a lot of "come to the pub" invitations, which in turn meant a lot of drinking and subsequently the 'munchies' at 3 in the morning. It's a bad habit I developed whilst partying with a friend a couple years back.

Our weekend escapades would involve dancing, junk food, a lot of alcohol and even more dancing, on the dancefloor, on the bar, in the parking lot, behind the bar. When we eventually couldn't stand anymore we'd hop into her Beetle and stop at the only place open at 2:30, Bimbos. My friend believed this was the best way to avoid the inevitable hangover the next morning. She was right, mostly because I think I was still drunk when I woke up. I will never forget how the heavenly their cajun chicken burgers tasted before bed. This became our ritual, wherever we partied; Doors, Vaca, Boksburg - Bimbo's practically anticipated our arrival, heating up the oil, buttering the buns, creating that irresistable 'fresh slap chips' aroma to lure us incase we were too knackered to stop there.

This past week felt like those times, only much worse. At 10pm I'd chow either pizza, pub baskets, chips, popcorn...I was eating like a man! Unfortunately I dont have the metabolism of a man. And the signs are showing quickly:

1. Feeling that the world has somewhat shrunk, including clothing, doorways, models

2. Climbing stairs has become an intense workout because legs tremble on every step

3. Chocolate is considered one of the 5 important food groups

4. Looking at one's 'sexy jeans' results in a cold sweat instead of naughty smile

5. Collapsing on the couch is usually followed by a slight earth tremor.

Detox begins today (I refuse to start anything on a Monday!)

The Nanny

2006-12-11T08:18:00.000+02:00

So this weekend has been a turning point for my bf in our relationship. This should not only put us on the same page, but also answer some of the unspoken questions between us. Babysitting his baby nephew, Josh, has pushed his biological clock back by at least 5 years! This is a good thing, as I consider owning a monkey as having a child. (Quite frankly I dont see the difference, except that monkeys stay cute)

Our weekend went something like this; I arrive after successfully obtaining temporary licence, to find bf playing playstation 2. His parents arrive with 20 mnth old Josh, hyped up on sugar and seeing fake Santa. Grandmother and me bath Josh, change and feed him. Bf continues playing PS2. I pack Josh's and my bag, make bf put babyseat in car.
Drive to Malvern to housesit his older sister's house. Josh falls asleep in car (Yes!)
Stop to get Nandos, bf carefully takes Josh out of car, locks car,I order, bf hands Josh to me to stand outside and smoke. Get looks from other customers as baby looks nothing like me or bf. Get food, go home, bf unpacks car, I put Josh in his bed, Josh sleeps. (Yes!)
Start watching "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
Josh wakes up, cries, I make 'bottie'.Josh calms down, watches 5 min of movie, gets bored, chases me around house, asks for sweeties, cries, gets another 'bottie.' Change nappy. Bf watches movie.
Bf gets tired, washes baby bottles for tomorrow, lies in bed. Josh continues to climb over new toy named "Lolly", I crush calmette into milk, Josh refuses to drink. (Shit!) Play, cry, 'bottie', play, cry (It's a vicious circle) Lie by Josh in bed until lights out. Drag self into bed where bf has fallen asleep. (Oh really?) Draw bf out of consciousness by tickling various erogenous spots. Sleep.
6 am Sunday morning am woken by Josh's cries, turn over and sleep some more while Pieter plays dutiful Uncle. Josh joins me in bed, will not let Lolly catch up on beauty sleep. Bf helps change nappy, almost dies. Bottie, play. Pack bags, make bottie, play. Drive home, change nappy, bottie, play. I go to bathroom to try shower, Josh cries, we play. Bf helps change nappy again, survives. Cycle contin until bf gets Josh to sleep, I shower, change, start wrapping presents, Josh wakes and we play. Bf falls asleep on couch - he cant take the pressure of Unclehood anymore!

I'm not implying bf is egotistical, chauvinistic male. He's responsible and sweet and would one day make a wonderful dad. I'm just a better babysitter (must be the boobs). But after an entire night I cant believe how much you give of yourself to toddlers, especially intelligent ones. Bf's brother contributed by teaching Josh to say 'fat ass'.

Is this thing on Friday an official blogger party thing or just somewhere some bloggers are going to get together for a pint or two?

Zombified

2006-12-08T08:15:00.000+02:00

Cannot keep eyes open...lids droop warily....need daily green tea fix...*sip, sigh*

"I'm getting too old for this shit!" I'm not exactly sure what the "shit" is but I truly cant handle it anymore - I feel dead from the neck up.

Been avoiding my house for the past two weeks and my safest, easiest and cheapest escape is to my mom's flat. It's also great to just sit and talk her ears off; rant about politics and fashion. Since big sis came home, we haven't had a moments peace. So yesterday we made cunning plans to have a home cooked meal and leftover dessert from the bf's Christmas function.

I left work a good 2 hrs before my mom so, without anywhere better to go, stopped in at Lakeside Mall. Browsed through fascination books, rented "Monster House", went to Woolies food and spent over an hour trying to decide between beef canneloni, chicken stroganhoff or mediterranean lamb and...When in doubt, go for the cheapest. I got chicken burgers, creamed spinache and butternut. So easy to cook even I cant possibly fck it up! It's just like microwave popcorn - open packet, nuke it, snack it! *Uh-hunh*

Not only did I chargrill one of the chicken burgers; I poured wine into my fruit juice instead of my mom's wine glass and left the oven on. Lolly: master chef/kitchen wrecker extraodinaire! By cheesecake time, it was around 10pm, big sis arrived after ice-skating (am being extremely generous using the word "skating" as she did more "falling") and begged a lift off of me.

Crawled into bed after 12, crawled out of bed at 5:45..48...5:59, whereas I'm usually in the shower at 5:15. Officially feeling Zombified. I havent been to bed before 11pm this entire week, which isn't unusual for me. I've thrived on less sleep than this, but I think it was the heavy meal, cheesecake and diluted wine that put me in such a coma last night. Don't particularly feel like functioning on 2 brain cells rht now; not particularly looking forward to living this day out.

At least I have this coming holiday to look forward to. Forming a cunning plan to go to Magaliesburg for Boxing day.

when did we start playing tag!?

2006-12-08T00:06:00.001+02:00

So I have been tagged by fly to reveal 5 personal, naughty, exciting and down-right dirty facts about myself. Bwhahahahahahaha (lmao)
I assume I should tag some other unfortunate bloggers too...this should be fun

Here they are in no particular order of importance:

1. I am fascinated by ancient architecture, from the pyramids to the late 19oo's. The effort, imagination and ingenuity of the builders is so rare these days.

2. I had a little sister who drowned when she was a year old. She would have been the prettiest of the sisters.

3. I am a nature girl. I hate the concrete jungle, give me a mountain forest ANY day.

4. My favourite haunt is "The Doors". I once threw up on it's roof.

5. I still enjoy dancing to 'Toxic' by Brtiney Spears. (Possibly my most awful confession to date)

Now I have the sadistic pleasure of tagging Insane insomniac and Dark spider.

Just a wee little town

2006-12-07T07:17:00.000+02:00

I cant believe how dependant I have become on modern technology. I am aware people have survived without plumbing or electricity to today but by God I was totally lost when our internet connection was down. The entire day yesterday, with nothing to do except prank call people in the office, I was at my wits end! No daily blog, no daily ctrl+alt+del fix, no google...it's pathetic how dependant I have become on my laptop (which I must part with considering it belongs to the company) It's going to be a tearful farewell.

At least I had a bit of fun last night. Ladies night. Chick flick, popcorn, chocolate, make-up, jewelry, booze. For newbies, Nu Metro cinemas have a special night once a month for the ladies. They hand out the latest drinks (brutal fruit lemon-didnt particularly blow me away), Stayfrees (not embarrassing to around with THAT in your hand) and lucky draws. Last time I scored a Clarins pampering set. This time - nada. We watched The Holiday (would not have watched unless as a last resort) which was actually so brilliant! Good fluffy entertainment. Mind you, everything is "brilliant" to me after 4 Brutals.

I have not gone without at least one alcoholic drink since last week Wednesday. I only overdid it on red wine on the Saterday evening, but I am acutely aware of the repercussions from these daily dosages. I was so proud of myself when I chose a Rock shandy on Tuesday night but found out even that has alcohol in it! I cannot be an alcoholic because a) I do not drink to get drunk (most of the time)
b) I dont have a constant supply of alcohol stashed away but within easy access
c) I dont need it to cope after a stressful day
d) Its too bloody expensive
e) I dont crave it after work, after a meal, in the evenings, in the mornings, in the shower...
f) too bloody expensive an addiction!

Hey, who can tell me what song was playing on Hiveld at precisely 08:15 and who sings this song? It's a male artist, singing about "a girl who thinks I rock and tonight we're gonna dance...um do do do-do do do do-do" I keep missing the artists name - I cant believe it! Some help here please!

Accidents happen

2006-12-05T07:30:00.000+02:00

I am not what you would call a reckless driver. Most of the time I'm usually going with the traffic flow, keeping an eye out for BMW drivers and singing along to the radio, tapping my steering wheel like the long lost drummer from Slipknot.

As it so happens I have had many a close calls with my car. More with the car that was hijacked than my new corsa. I kept noticing how easily I could be wiped out just by drivers on Rivonia road. It's always jammed with cars, taxis and buses. Now that they're building 3 freaking huge tower blocks at the same time, trucks have too congested the offramp and witkoppen. I believe that it is sure dumb luck I have not been in an accident there yet.

but even dumb luck runs out sooner or later. I can only be grateful that no one was injured, except my radiotor, right headlight, grill and front bumper. Not even 5kms from my house, in the quiet suburb of Northmead, I rode into the back of a bakkie - with a freaking towbar! We were approaching a robot, I just changed into second gear and (irony of all irony) a huge, mutant, evil, crazy creature from the 5th dimension flew into my eye. Needless to say, it stung like a mthrfcker! The other driver was extremely sweet about it, asking if I was ok (I was on the verge of tears). His friends even bought me a liquifruit juice to help me calm down. I count myself lucky that it was him I drove into instead of a highly-strung BMW driver.

Note: I dont have a personal vendetta against people who drive BMW's, I just refer to the ones who drive with their heads up their arses.

We all need a good mind-fuck.

2006-12-04T07:50:00.000+02:00

So I get a pleasant suprise this weekend. Thursday afternoon I come home to find my big sister sitting on my bed smiling like an idiot. I thought I was having a momentary hallucination, it was as if a memory had resurfaced and I had stepped right into it. My first thoughts were, "You are not real, this is the side-effect of drinking stale grapes." Then my little sister barged in and over-excitedly explained why Cherene was back from the UK; forced annual leave. I had originally feared the worst like deportation or bankruptcy or bringing 'a new fiance' home!

So we all go out and celebrate (any excuse hey!) at Mimmos. Three jugs of Sangria later I drove home stuffed on pizza and wondering if my liver was still worth selling to science. Friday morning I made the difficult decision of bunking work and booked an appointment with our Doc. He told me to stay away from alcohol. (LMAO)I spent the rest of the afternoon driving both sisters around town, taking them to East Rand Mall, school, home,back to the flat. I cant wait for my older sister to fly back to England.

We spent that night at my mom's flat, where we were thoroughly entertained by whatever videos and previews she downloaded from googlevideo. That's where we encountered the History of oil by Robert Newman. What an interesting take on the world as we don't know it! I wont even go into detail about what he said but let's just say if the right people knew what he knows; we are going to see some major changes! He reminds me so much of my high school History teacher, Mr Keen. We went into each lesson expecting the unexpected. We kidnapped other teachers, annexed the staff lounge, played sniper with a water-gun, had brooms and bricks thrown at us. Good times.

So do yourself a favour, enlighten your mind to how truly fucked we are and get a hold of the History of Oil on Googlevideos. It's the most entertaining mind-fuck crammed into 45 minutes.

A cause for celebration

2006-11-30T08:09:00.000+02:00

mfpf...urld..*opening eyes* Gah! I'm in the office! How the fck did I get here? Head in pain, really difficult to function, need my green tea. *sip, sigh* It hurts to blink.

Yesterday I get a phone call from the bf, his Uncle was killed in a car accident. A 4x4 bakkie skipped a robot and hit his car. Apparently the entire bull bar and half the bonnet were written off, so he must have been breaking the sound barrier when they connected. They say he was dead on impact. The really sad part is I met his children about a month or 2 ago. Justin is 26, the eldest of three. I feel bad for them but death is a difficult thing to comfort. There is not much you can do except be the listening ear, shoulder to cry on and sleeve to wipe your nose on.

Went to the bf's sister's house in Mulvern to be there for her. (She was close to that Uncle) We finished 3 bottles of Nederburg Baronne (between 3 of us) and watched Failure to Launch and Pirates of the Carribbean 2. It turned out to be a really great evening. Got home around 12, got up at 5am. Now regretting ever having gotten up.

A warning for the beginning of the festive season.

Here's to the future

2006-11-29T08:25:00.000+02:00

I got the job.

Pretty nervous about taking a step 'down' my career ladder but...wait, I dont even have a ladder of that kind. At least everyone else I know is optimistic about it. It's definitely an occasion worth celebrating!

Visited my over-zealous,loud-mouthed,crazy,Hindu friend Miss Singh last night. We met in college but it feels like we've known each other forever, I'm like an adopted sister. Ate nice spicy dinner there, now my stomach is putting forward a formal complaint. My tolerance when it comes to spicy dishes rests on lemon and herb!

Must hand in resignation letter to boss now. *glance guiltily at unsuspecting boss' doorway*

Wish me luck

Not all who wander

2006-11-28T11:16:00.000+02:00

Since graduating from college about 5 months ago, I have been doing a lot more self analysing than usual. I'm pretty ok with who I am, mind you, but I spend more time wanting to be someone else even more. Not totally unusual considering the pressure we're under in today's society; what is considered the perfect weight, hair colour and lifestyle. I just want to be comfortable with who I am but I am not satisfied with me. I still have no idea what career path I want to take. I am good at a lot of things but I believe you should follow your passion. How does the old saying go, 'The secret to happiness is do something you enjoy, then you'll never have to work again,' or something along those lines.

I want to do something I am passionate about. Money is not the huge issue. Anyone can make money if they know how. I just want something to work towards, like that whole 'fulfilling one's destiny' shpiel! Here I am, working for a prestigious auditing firm with room to grow, travel opportunities, benefits, but the mere thought of returning here next year has me ready to slit my wrists! That is not healthy. That is a definite sign that I am heading towards living my nightmare. Stuck in a job I hate, having an all round shitty life. Misery. (Read the book, not bad)

I am in no hurry to make the decisive leap, however. Out of the many people I have spoken to, many have admitted to not knowing what they wanted to do after matric. They wandered around, travelled around, worked here and there and just sort of stumbled across the profession they wanted. I hope that happens to me soon. I want to be downright fantastic at my job and have excellent qualifications along those lines. I want to enjoy the student life while I'm still young enough to be one. Not that I'm against studying when you're past your prime, but by then I want to have something other than a diploma to my name.

I take comfort however from music, the source of inspiration, the reason I smile in traffic, the fuel to the dwindling fire in me. Let's quote Snow Patrol:

Chocolate

"With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25"

"What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet"

Gripping stuff I tell you. It's from the album "Final Straw" - the one Highveld is NOT slaughtering on radio.

It's so quiet and I feel like the only idiot blogging on a Monday when everyone else is well on their way to Holiday fun. At least tomorrow's me last working day as a jnr consultant. For like ever!

Dreams of what could be

2006-11-28T10:22:00.000+02:00

Do you ever look around and think you are not where you thought you'd be? I know that the choices I made, of my own free will, have put me where I am today. But this was never in my original plan. Mind you ANYTHING I plan never goes accordingly. I should have been a boy, but I'm still glad I'm a girl. I should've been born in ancient Egypt, but I am so grateful for indoor plumbing. Ok, so I didnt quite plan that aspect but most events that transpired in my life were not completely beyond my control.

For instance, my plan when I before I reached Matric was to go overseas, like most students, and study buddhism (gah! no spellcheck!?) in Tibet. Give up all my worldly possesions and find inner peace. That changed to going as an au pair. It was the safest and easiest way at the time. It was part of my plan to work as one locally, gain the experience and save up the money. I did not however plan on meeting the Bfriend. He was not supposed to be wonderful, smart and so good in bed! I was not supposed to fall in love with anyone.

"Ridiculous!" you say. You're right but at the time I believed everything I dreamed up. I told myself, "no man would ever take preference over my own plans. He would just have to find someone else when I leave." Things have not changed much, except that I have moved that plan to 2010. I do not want to be around for the 2010 Soccer thing in South Africa. Unpatriotic? Fine, whatever. Missing out? Gladly No one will be left in Europe, everyone will be here? Exactly!

It's a good plan, I have enough time to save up for it, I am gaining invaluable experience working for 'the man' and I dont even have my adult passport yet! So in the end it's not like my dream will never come true, but I keep thinking what if....?

What if I took art instead of Maths? I know I would've been a much happier person because they studied historical architecture which I am fascinated by. Those old buildings in Europe stole my heart and imagination. The sheer beauty of gothic carvings and faces immortalised in stone... be still my beating heart.

These little questions gnawing slowly away at the part of your brain where you store those 'uncomfortable thoughts'. You know, those irritating doubts, irrational fears, voices that keep telling you you'll never be good enough, you'll never accomplish it, you're doomed to fail.

I try to live without regrets, learn from all my mistakes but all these "would have's" and "should have's" are springing up on me at the most inconvenient moments. Especially when I am feeling more than suicidal.

I do take comfort in the fact that everything happens for a reason. (except Blob Mogabe living this long...why God?)

Without a paddle...

2006-11-27T07:34:00.000+02:00

I am sunburnt. Not all over, just the shoulders and lower legs. Oh yes and my nose and cheeks are also a light red colour, making me look like I'm blushing or one of Santa's lost elves...(Maybe not so lost as - "Fuck this toy-making shit on a frozen continent! I'm going South for the winter!")

Since my big corporate capitalist-pig company requires you to belong to a social club before you're allowed at any functions, I went with the bf to his company's year-end social. They held it in Parys at an expensive-looking place called "Stonehenge" and yes there were giant rocks all over placed like stonehenge should be. I dont quite think they got it right. The day's activity was White Water Rafting down the Vaal. I immediately get these pictures in my head of great frothing rapids, non-stop plunging and rowing and screaming, water splashing EVERYWHERE! You know, Fun! Instead it turned out to be a slow drifting downstream, occasionally getting stuck on a rock and getting hit by a paddle. And I still had so much fun! Everyone was chilled, splashing each other, playing 'chicken' with the other rafters, people rowing the wrong way, and the endless comments about the Cell C midgets (helmets, identical life-jackets...nevermind)

It all came down to the old belief that no matter where you are or what you're doing, it's the people you're with that really make it memorable. I can remember this in two instances. In Grade 11 I went on holiday with 3 friends to someplace near Warmbaths. It was my gay friend, Wade, my crazy friend, Myra (soon to be famous novelist) and me in one chalet and my ex-friend Carey with her older brother in the other. There was a hot pool, a cold pool, a lot of dutchmen and one bottle of Spiced Gold. I loved every minute of it, chilling in hot pool at night, dozing during the day and doing the rain-dance in the rain. The bottle of Spice Gold remained untouched.

My matric holiday, we spent in Warmbaths with all my friends. There was a lot of food, a lot of booze and a lot of back-biting. Dont get me wrong, I dont regret one moment of it (except letting my friend lend my woodstock t-shirt which she managed to hurl all over). It wasnt the same though, with all the underlying tension and drunk arguments. The time I laughed the most was watching Matrix reloaded in the middle of the night with non-other than Wade and Myra.

I try to be that person that makes those memorable moments. I try to fill those incomfortable silences, but it's no easy task being the introvert that I am. I have to muster up courage to be spontaneous and seize the moment and all that jazz. Which is such a drag because I love a good party, dancing, laughing, touching, LIVING!

My dad is getting married this weekend. *regarding thought as one would face a room full of slime-covered rabid skunks*

I have only myself to blame

2006-11-24T07:29:00.000+02:00

Let me just start off by clearing things up after my last confused, insecure and angst-ridden posting; I decided to do a bit of soul-searching, and headed for a place I knew I could clear my mind completely: The Keg and Kingfisher. I was on my second glass of semi-sweet chatuax le doos and things were not much clearer when my mother (who had joined me and my bf in our quest to clear my head) told us the funniest and most disurbing storey about my father.

Big sis you're gonna love this one (just pray father never comes across this page)

Whilst my mom was pregnant with me and insane insomniac was 18 months old, Frik (dad) and his work buddies, as a year end celebration, headed for the nearest strip club for a bit o' fun. In one act, they place a large bath on the stage and call up a male to join the naked stripper, who strips him to his undies and shoves him in the bath. That "lucky" male turned out to be Frik, who the "unlucky" audience discovered owned a pair of leopard print jockeys! *Strong urge to laugh and hurl at the same time* Him and his buddies arrived at Friks house too pissed to drive any further. My mom had to drive his buddies home who proceeded to fill her in on the evening. It must have been the early hours of the morning when they arrived and Frik decided that he wanted to swim in his bud's pool. Stripping once again to his leopard-print undies he leapt into pool covered in glitter!

This was no help whatsoever in my soul-searching, but explains a lot about my dad, and so I carried on drinking.

I think I'm only sobering up now because I was out of bed before 5am, full of energy and ready to face the day! It is 8am and it feels like my brain is in a washing machine. Today is going to be interesting.

Staring the gift horse in the mouth...again

2006-11-23T10:50:00.000+02:00

Ok, so I'm back from the second interview, it went somewhat well. I had to do it in Afrikaans because most of their clients are situated in the far west rand. Let's just say I dont think it went as well as it could have. I don't know why I felt so nervous, but I guess it's only natural in any interview. I spoke to the owner's wife, Madge, and it seems she's looking for someone to stay with the company for a long long long time. What is it with people in charge? My current boss said the same thing as well...repeatedly. Not only do they want the majority of my time, but the majority of my life! It's like sign your soul away on the dotted line.....

I'm so afraid to tell my current boss, not that he may get mad, but I never wanted to disappoint him. Well, if they paid me enough, maybe it wouldnt be so bad.

So this issue of me not staying in one place for very long has me worried. I feel I shouldnt apply for jobs that I wont be staying at for more than a year or two. I can see myself working there, it's really close to home, a relatively small business and mostly females running the show. Their offices are going to be situated on a plot with a huge garden and it's very casual. You do your work, everyone gets along. I see this as ideal. It's small, it's comfortable and pays a bit better. At least I save on travelling expenses. BUT on the contrary, I may be looking at a dead end. It's not a job which allows for career growth, there are no benefits like med aid or pension fund, and no opportunities to travel outside of South Africa on company expense.

I guess it's down to what I want in life. I want money, with money you can travel, buy motorcycles, race motorcycles, pay your medical bills when you fall off the motorcycle. I planned to go overseas to travel and work. I just need to save up the money. Then I met the boyfriend, then I bought a car, and I'm working for an auditing firm which requires at least 10 years of sacrafice before they send you away. So I altered my plan to 2010, which I'm saving for come rain or shine, I'm definitely going. I have until Monday to decide, that's if they accept this 'soutie'.

Who do you ask for advice when your future is on the line?

Oh my greatness!

2006-11-22T02:06:00.000+02:00

I am cheating on the company I work for. I went for an interview at another company this morning, when I was 'supposed' to be at the dentist for a check up. It went well, they want a second interview with me tomorrow already.

But that's not the best news... On my way to the office I first had to stop in at the GT Shop on Great North Road to answer the call of nature. And I thought to myself it wouldnt hurt to get a drink for the road. I look around for a waitress then low and behold Barry fuckin Hilton walks in. (For all those with a blank stare across their faces, he's a well-known comedian) He walked straight up to me and asked me why I wasnt in school. So I tell him I'm a working lady. He then says I must meet his son, he runs the video store around the corner where I live. I wasnt sure to what degree of red my face turned but maintaining my composure I went along to meet this infamous child. Barry introduces me like this, " Son! Here meet your future ex-wife,"

Barry and Bradley Hilton

I'm so relieved I wasnt the only one who burst out laughing. His son is actually a good-looking boy, I'm sure he's younger than me. SO that was my run-in with a celebrity - of sorts. And if you want photo's as evidence, sorry no can do. My phone with the camera was stolen when I was hijacked a month ago. Hijackers suck. I hope that curse that put on them worked...really well!

Pollution and Mutant Pigeons

2006-11-21T11:16:00.000+02:00

I never really noticed how bad things really were until I started working North of Joburg. I mean I had a pretty good idea that the world was in a state but I had no idea just how far we are digging our own graves. This morning was the first clear, sunny day after an entire weekend of rain, drizzle, mist and every other form of percipitation. I walk into the east wing of our ridiculously large office building and lo and behold, out in the courtyard was a clear indication of our doom. Pigeons. Not just any pigeons, but ones the size of koala bears. (Not that I had a koala on hand to compare it with at the time) but lets just say if I had to drive into these birds my Corsalite would be totalled. Even their colouring has changed from the usual blueish-gray to an oil-slick black and speckled white. *Involuntary shiver*

Now before you shake your head laughing in mild amusement, I will make this very clear. I know there are many different breeds of pigeons, large and small, different shapes and colours but I have never heard of the ostrich crossed with a kimono dragon breed before. Clearly a sign that something is seriously wrong. I was actually sickened to my stomache while driving North this morning to see how thick a blanket of smog lay over the horizen, even after 3 days continuous rain.

I essentially dislike human beings. They are a stupid, selfish, filthy race and for a long time I wanted nothing to do with the rat race. My dream was and still is to go Tibet, give up my worldly possesions and shave my hair off. But alas, I thought I'd be a hero and see if I could make a difference. I thought that I could make changes from the inside but now that I look at it I might have been a little too enthusiastic. So I'm thinking of starting my own little terrorist group. Blow up Parlaiment, with it's leaders inside, put an end to cheap developers selling matchbox houses for a ridiculous price, control who is competant enough to be allowed on the roads, and most importantly, destroy a fountain in Croydon (it really is the ugliest thing in the world - an insult to art!)
Who is with me?

*complete silence except for soft cooeing of mutant pigeons*

Fuck!

I guess I'll have to be content with leaving the buildings alone, for now. No one is fit to rule the people, and the people are too stupid to rule themselves. We hear about all the problems in the world and leave the problem for someone else. But there is no one else. Even the UN came up bloody useless trying to stop greenhouse gases ending the world. China opened it's coal mine despite the obvious fact that hundreds of its miners will die from various lung related diseases. I'd rather have had them open Pandora's box again. Not a very inspiring or uplifting entry, but the most unfortunate truth. The day after tomorrow was not just a movie, it was a weather forecast. Scientists call what happened over 3 days, the fifty-year storm. I will only have reached the age of 70 in fifty years. Not a good age to be if you have dodge tornadoes, swim in floods and survive the 2nd Ice Age. I hope millions suffer and die. I hope nothing survives. I pray that the next species to rise will not be human beings (I'd prefer monkeys - life is simpler when your only care is not falling out of a tree) I also hope mother nature doesnt come at us with an 'I told you so dance'.

Today, I'll just delay the inevitable. I wont use anymore polystyrene cups at work, I'll bring my own mug. I keep my house pretty dark at night, it makes it harder for people to see what you're doing. I dont drive more than what's absloutely necessary. I actually dont like driving unless the destination is a party! I dont buy brands advertised on the radio because the adverts these days just grate my bloddy nerves. Dont get me wrong, going completely hippie is not my style.

Growing my own vegetables will only end in tears (when my garden dies). I just refuse to believe that this is all there is left. Have we come so far in our discoveries that we're going backwards? Why does everyone accept what they see as the norm? It's a ridiculous normality! Give me topsy-turvey, crazy, senseless, wonderful outside-of-the-norm! I think that is more the cause for my constant need to go drinking, it helps me forget how fucked we really are.