When I grow up, I want to be nothing at all.

Ahaaa! Here I am again! Unemployed, uninteresting and worst of all, unimaginative!
I had a job waiting when I left my last job, but there was a misunderstanding between the agency, myself and the salary offered. To some extent, if I knew what a bastard going to all these interviews was going to be, I would've accepted the meagre remuneration and moonlighted as a stripper!

I have driven to the other side of Alberton to a town next to the imfamous dorpie of 'Liefde-en-Vrede' for an interview with an agency. Just an agency. I've been positive about the whole thing this entire time. Think good thoughts, think happy thoughts, don't think that this is all a big waste of time and it would be easier to finish off the day with a good bottle of Baronne and a handful of Stopayne.

But...I'm out of Stopayne...and Baronne, but I think there's a nice sav blanc in the cupboard...may keep that for the weekend.

Sorry, my brain has switched to permanent 'siesta' mode due to all the late mornings and lazing about switching between Animal Planet and the Series channel.

The reason for not blogging in a while is simple: I was banned from the internet and I had no time running a business for someone without the profit. Not even the least but of appreciation or support.

I probably sound bitter and depressed, but I really am not. I'm pms-ing.

How to deal

If there was ever a time when I questioned my abilities, that time would be now. I am struggling with my work, my relationship and on top of it all, my weight. I think my new top score on spider solitaire might have had something to do with it, but not entirely. The fact that I had to help out an incompetent PA and production manager who constantly went AWOL is the main reason.

I'm not that bad a sucker for punishment. I don't take the entire world on my shoulders cause I feel I have to. Things just had to get done, and they got done, at the expense of my sanity and my diet. I openly admit my tendency to munch when I get stressed. One of the girls had a tendency to crave McDonalds, a lot. So now the PA has been 'dismissed', the production manager never came back and has been replaced with my boyfriend's brother.

So things are looking up a little...

Paths

You don't love me enough to have faith in me
I don't love you enough to stay
Our paths are taking drastic turns
but I see yours is turning away
and I'm sorry that I cannot follow your way
and I'm sorry things turned out this way



If I could I'd be the person
you always wanted me to be
but how could you love someone
who doesnt stick with what she believes?
And I'm sorry, I'm confused and rarely get things right
and I'm sorry, I'll understand if you're not around tonight



The paths we chose were always there
and I'll never keep you from yours.
Mine is winding in the shadows, it seems barely there.
So you expect me to just made up my mind
like the future is a straight line you can see up ahead

I never wanted this, I'm torn apart inside
I'm losing sleep and my hopes and my dreams
I'm losing my mind

but I know that it's time
I know that it's mine
I know I've made a choice
step forward
don't look behind...

Enlightened? Not quite

That saying that 'you are never too old to learn' has some truth to it, but I think we don't realize that the rest of the saying is ...'something new about yourself'.

I have discovered anime...more specifically, I have discovered Naruto. Since before Pokemon or Yu-Gi-OhMFG! there was the Sci-fi channel and late night cartoons, something which confused my very naive brain. They were playing cartoons essentially, which may have been a tad bloody, but still mild if you compare it to the subliminal violence in DBZ. I don't think it's unusual for me to be liking anime, it's just sucky that I couldn't get it earlier in life.

It's like arriving half-way through an in-depth conversation about that new movie when all you've seen is the trailer. Which is happening with the new Harry Potter book, and I haven't read the Half-blood Prince yet either! Don't look at me like that! I know Prof. Dumbledore dies and it's all about how they're trying to defeat no-nose Voldemort... forgive me if I don't hold my breath. I'll read it when I can steal a copy from an unsuspecting fan.

I have also discovered "Change (in the house of flies)" is not the only awesome song from the Deftones. Their music is growing on me quickly...

Paradise

I'm in Mauritius! (Hooray!)

It's raining. (aaaw....)

But I've got a kickass tan! (Hooray!)

which will probably turn to skin cancer by the time I'm 25 (aaaw...)

But I'm still on a tropical island staying at a luxury resort with people waiting on me hand and foot and later I'm going to explore the waterfront and spend a ridiculous amount of money on gifts for everyone at home! (Hooray!)

Even though I'm stuck in an office behind a laptop while the temperature drops and the rain drizzles over everything...

It was all kept a secret from me. We tried so hard in the beginning to get a package I could afford but in the end, there was too little time and too little money. Come the morning when I say goodbye to the bf, my mom appears at the airport out of nowhere with two suitcases and a camera aimed at my blank expression. I was totally suprised. The bf and his co-conspirators (my parents, his parents, my cat and boss) managed to keep me in the dark for over 3 weeks. Or maybe they didn't need to because I had resigned to the fact that I wasn't going.

I think it made the experience all the more enjoyable. Here I was being swept of my feet to an exotic island. All my bags packed for me, more than enough spending money for one person, a room with a balcony and a view!

It's still raining though.

Terminally depressed

Not me. I get too easily excited by the most random things to be an emo/goth/tortured soul...I thought I was once, but I have friends who don't condone that sort of behaviour. They live for making each other laugh, whether they're laughing at you or with you, there is no room for depressing-thoughts-of-suicide. I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine either. I think I enjoy laughing at the sick sad world like my sadistic old self.

I have met someone recently, however, who is just too emotional for his own good. He struggles with inner demons that torment his conscience day and night. Too strong to give in and too confused to win, he wallows in despair, watching the world through weary eyes. Tired of the futility of life, the monotony, the strife. He finds the human race a greedy, mindless pathetic breed, trying his damndest to separate himself from his role in society. He is trapped. Alone. Misunderstood.

He's just too damn clever for his own good. That's the biggest problem. Not many in his age group can keep up in conversations so he can't express himself the way he wants to. He wants to be unique, he wants so badly to stand out but knows there is no point. Not in this life anyway, not in this world.

I don't want to preach to him, he has a family for that. I don't want to be a mentor or to pull him out of his misery because it's impossible unless he wants someone to help him, which he doesn't. All I have been able to do was be a friend, have a few good laughs, show him a few moments worth living for. I don't know what else to do but I feel I must try to keep him alive apart from feeding him anti-depressants. He needs an outlet, he needs a worthwhile distraction.

Until I am struck with inspiration and come up with a life-altering plan, I had better hide all the razors...

Nothing much has changed

After months and months of staying in on the weekends, watching a movie or visiting at friends houses, we decided it was time to revisit Zeppelins in Pretoria. Now, the last time we were there, it was the "last party" before revamping began, they only had one floor open, drinks were pretty cheap so that was fun, but rumor was that there would be a new floor opened and better bathroom facilities. Lo and behold, we arrive and the place is exactly the same as the last time we were there. Ok maybe not exactly. They added a plasma screen to the entrance, removed the foozball table, moved the soundbox off the dancefloor and upstairs. Now there is space for *counts fingers* four more people on the dancefloor. Oh and there's more barbed wire.

I am not complaining! I am very much relieved that they kept the place pretty much the same...especially the artwork on the walls. Those are irreplaceable. It looked more like they stopped the place from falling apart and brought it just above the "unstable old building" standard. It really adds to the charm and appeal of the place. I also assume the funds were limited to essential renovations too. We can only be thankful they didn't try and revamp it to look more like 'most other' clubs!

All in all, it was a great evening, the usual weirdos creeping along the bar, the few excellent songs inbetween the not-so-good ones, losing the bf, finding the bf, fighting with the bf, harrassing the DJ... and stopping for food on the way home. 2am is a good time for breakfast. It wasn't the smartest thing to do but that one act brought back so many awesome memories of driving back from Newtown at 3:30 and feasting on fresh chips from Bimbos. It never tastes quite as good on a normal afternoon. Granted, we stopped at Woolies food, (we are an evolving species afterall) but that didn't take away from a great feeling revisited for a moment.